Even though I knew for some time that many things were wrong in my marriage, I was determined to not give up. I have never considered myself a quitter so the challenge was to make it work. When eventually faced with that reality, I had to adapt.

I was suddenly faced with making very important decisions under extreme emotional turmoil. However, the single most important decision was my attitude toward the situation…. Was I going to be a victim or a survivor? There was no question which role I was determined to assume. As a survivor, I would need to identify my goals. Some were immediate; others came over time out of necessity.

Anger - I had to deal with my anger! There are no words that can possibly be used to express the intense anger I felt. Sure, I could call him names, yell at him, say hateful things but those reactions don’t prove to be very helpful. In fact, they are self-draining. I needed appropriate ways to deal with this emotion.

One release was to participate in some form of physical activity such as running, swimming, aerobics, Yoga. I even found solace in a racquetball court. I had enjoyed the sport for some time but chose to spend time going by myself. It was just me and the ball in a very limited, tight space. I had control over every swing as I envisioned the ball as his head. I wasn’t physically hurting anyone or destroying anything but what a release! Physical activity also increases our endorphins which helps our mental health.

Journaling was also very effective. It helped me think more clearly. Putting words on paper became a way to deal with my emotions as well as track certain events that eventually proved valuable to my attorney and my future.

A simple need was to eat healthy foods and drink plenty of water. The year-long divorce process had the feel of a marathon. How could I compete or even survive if I did not care for myself? Simple self-care choices helped me to refocus when feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

I can’t say enough about the importance of surrounding yourself with the right people. My choice of an attorney was based on his interest, his specialty and his history. I wouldn’t look in the yellow pages to select a surgeon nor base my choice on a TV commercial. Having support from others comes from different sources. Sometimes family, even though they have good intentions, are not the best support during this type of crisis. Remember that they have invested in this person that you are now separating from. They may be dealing with their own anger or sense of loss. And, if children are involved, that may carry a different set of emotions making it difficult for them to be strong for you. Certain friends may also struggle adjusting to the changes in extended relationships that divorce creates. Seek someone who is a good listener yet who can also be open and honest with you when advice is needed.

Find your inner strength and peace. For me that came through prayer and reading scriptures. After trust was shattered, there was but one true source for the comfort I needed. The scriptures are full of God’s promises. It was unrealistic for me to think that I could just skate through my life without having challenges. Even though this was the LAST one I ever thought I would be going through, it was in front of me. Again, I had a choice. Do I turn and be angry with God for allowing this to happen or do I believe on His promises? I have to say that there were numerous times that fear consumed me, especially in regards to my children. Yet, God put people in our path and gave me strength beyond my expectations.

There is an end to the pain. And, as with the death of someone close to you, there will always be the memories. Certain music, situations, or holidays will be reminders of what you were once a part of. Set your goals. Search for opportunities that give you a new purpose. You now have a Do-Over! Make the BEST of it and the rest of your life.

K.C.